dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
