ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
