What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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