she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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