She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
