I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
