I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
