dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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