I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
