I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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