i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
