I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
