im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
