I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
