i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
