Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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