I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
