If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
