Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
there's paper in my vomit.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
