I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize