Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
