you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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