i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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