I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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