You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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