real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
