Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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