The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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