at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want a musical about memes.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
