i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and i looked up. we had an audience...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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