The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
