I wish I could teleport
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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