her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
