i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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