the new term for farting is butt boxing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
