OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
