I looked at my own cervix.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
