If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
