I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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