i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
