took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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