ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
