she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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