I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
