so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
