If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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