i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
