a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
