Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
