I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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