i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
