Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
