Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
