The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
