I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
