you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
