how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
